Royal Weddings and Real Weddings
I remember, in my youth, watching the first hour or so of Charles and Diana’s wedding before, I have to confess, getting bored with sitting in front of the telly (it was a lovely hot sunny day) and taking my bike out for a ride along the coast road. . And in my very tender years, it was footage of Princess Anne’s wedding where I first heard Widor’s famous Toccata.
Royal Weddings are like fairy tale fantasies – no expense spared. The dress will be amazing, unique, a closely guarded secret until the day; the guests will be expensively dressed, the transport will be golden coaches and smooth limos, the food – which the hoi polloi won’t get to see, of course – will no doubt be out of this world, and the champagne will flow like rivers. Lucky them. I wish them well.
But I hope that this vision of excess is recognised to be a rarity, not a model to imitate. I officiate at quite a few weddings each year. I see some couples who have waited five years to get married while they save up for the dream day, and some who are having a wedding to die for knowing they’ll be adding another fifteen grand to their already creaking student loans. But a lot more who – rather apologetically – get married within budget. Don’t apologise! It’s the only sane way to do it. Of course you want to celebrate – marriage is important and wonderful and you want to do all you can to give it the grand seal of approval. But it doesn’t have to, and really shouldn’t, cost you a fortune or leave you in debt.
At the wedding rehearsal I sometimes encounter stressed out brides or grooms who are worried about all the details coming together on the day. I have a mantra for them. “All I really need is my partner, the vicar and two witnesses. Everything else is extras.” I remind them that although the flowers will no doubt be lovely, no-one will actually mind if the freesias are left out – because all eyes will be on them anyway.
But I often mention the mantra further back in the process, when the plans are being laid. You don’t need to have a wedding feast that breaks the bank, I tell them. Simple food is OK. Even just cake and bubbly is OK. There’s no need to feel obliged to lay on what you ca’t really afford. The guests come to see you get married, not have the dinner of their dreams.
One of the best weddings I ever went to had bangers and mash for the wedding breakfast; everyone instantly relaxed, took off their jackets and started laughing and chatting. It was a fantastic party. Another couple I married decided that they already had enough towels and cutlery between them, so they asked everyone to buy them a goat, a well or an education package from Oxfam. The groom’s speech included an announcement as to how many goats they had given away, how many wells would be dug, and how many children would go to school in celebration of their marriage. It was a golden moment. Her dress, incidentally, also came from Oxfam – not second hand, but one of the end-of-range dresses that big companies donate to Oxfam’s bridal shops. The dresses are cheaper than usual, and the profits go to Oxfam. And the top tip for cutting the costs is not to get married on a Saturday. Reception venues are way cheaper on a Friday or a Thursday. (Hey – maybe that’s why WIll and Kate are getting married on a Friday … oh no, I guess not.) The lowest budget wedding I ever attended was in the Church Hall (a very smart one!) and all the guests were asked to bring a dish for the reception instead of a gift. The couple were both on their second marriage; they had two houses full of stuff and they wanted to invite ALL their friends. Bring-and-share took on a whole new meaning. It was fantastic.
God bless Kate and Will. I hope the sun shines on their day; I hope even more that they have a long and happy marriage. But for the rest of us – don’t let’s get sucked into the idea that you have to spend a fortune to get married. All you really need is the couple, the vicar and two witnesses. Everything else is extras.
10 Responses to “Royal Weddings and Real Weddings”
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Maggi has kept a blog since September 2003, writing about theology and faith, the arts and literature, and a little about life and random nonsense...
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I very much agree with you but think you are doing William & Catherine a dis-service. Percentage wise their wedding will be modest compared to what their families can afford. The couples you marry are spending way more than they can afford.
As I said, “Lucky them. I wish them well…. God bless Will and Kate. I hope the sun shines on their day; I hope even more that they have a long and happy marriage.” I genuinely wish them well. But I do think the “wedding business” is a pressure on many others who have come to think that you can’t get married without a chocolate fountain and a champagne lake.
Thanks for that, Maggi. I am getting married this summer, and while many of our friends choose/have chosen to spend thousands on their ‘big day’, my fiance and I are keeping everything to minimal costs. Do we feel that we am missing out by having a budget wedding? No! On the contrary. When there are people around the world starving, others who need medical treatment but cannot afford it, it seems sick to spend £25k (apparently the average in the London & the Home Counties) on one day.
Friends who judge us by how much food we provide at our wedding or by the quality of the entertainment are not true friends. For us the day is about praising God, celebrating the start of our life together, in the presence of many friends and family.
However, I will enjoy watching William and Kate get married on TV. Praise God that many people around the world will be viewing a church service, hearing readings from the Bible, and hopefully a funny sermon from Richard Chartres! I entirely agree that there can be a tendency to feel pressure to have an extravagent day. The best advice I was given was this: ‘don’t read Bridal magazines, read your Bible’.
We do seem to be living in an age of excess, Maggi. I don’t know if envy and the desire to emulate the ludicrously rich is a sign of insecurity or something else, but there does seem to be a lot of it about.
My Mum made my dress from a pretty cotton print I chose and a simple Victorian-style dress pattern she had one made for herself to look like a pioneer from the Wild West at a fancy dress party. I’d loved that pattern ever since I saw it.
We had our reception in the Village Hall. We had fairly simple food, although I can’t remember what it was, and Italian sparkling wine for the toast. My parents decided to ask caterers to do the food. My mother-in-law made and decorated the cake. We did a bit of dancing and it was a lovely day.
One of the biggest expenses was the church and the bell-ringers my husband wanted.
As we had both just graduated we didn’t have a lot of money but we were perfectly happy with what we could afford.
We’ve been married 26 years now.
What a completely refreshing read and I absolutely agree with you. My (now) wife and I got engaged and had planned to get married two years later. She became ill and we were brought closer through it and couldn’t figure out why we were waiting any more and so moved the wedding forward: leaving us just 10 weeks! Needless to say, everything had to be on a tight budget. We hired a room in a B&B at which most of our family were staying and had home-made food–I chopped the onions for the coleslaw!–and everybody had a great time.
By contrast, my wife once sang at a wedding where they had a string quartet, ice-sculptures etc. not to mention a second ceremony in the Caribbean! They lasted 6 months!
I keep saying to people that when the time comes, I would much prefer to marry people who came in their t-shirts and jeans but who loved each other and had fish and chips afterwards.
Great advice, Maggie. Luckily I had two very sensible children who both got married in sensible ceremonies during the past few years. My daughter even choose to use dress she found in a local thrift shop and altered. My son’s wedding supper was pot luck, served on plates that the bride’s mother had accumulated by attending garage sales. And yet each were large family-community affairs (at local community centres) with well over 100 guests, real celebrations. When family and friends get involved in creating the event, I think it much more meaningful, as well as a lot cheaper. Leave the professional wedding people out of it (except for the priest, of course).
Our wedding was modest. Except for the huge Nuptial Mass with 100+ communicants and both Dad’s officiating. Mine conducting the ceremony and celebrating Eucharist and husband’s (Methodist minister) taking on sermon and prayers with a joint blessing.
The reception was held in my parent’s house. The buffet lunch provided by a friend in the parish was magnificent. The desserts had to be crammed into Dad’s study as the dining room was full of main course!
The bar was stocked through countless trips to france my brother made with his work as a removal man.
No bl**dy speeches!
The cake was made by my husband’s aunt.
Flowers by a local friendly florist and arranged by church members.
The rings, 9ct white gold bands £110 for both from HSamuel.
The dress £100 in Monsoon sale, my lovely bridesmaids bought their own outfits.
Shoes £25 Veil £40 (great expense but felt worth it) Tiara £15
Hair £20 Make-up done by bridesmaids.
Groom and chaps suits hired for day.
Honeymoon in Dublin – B&B for a week.
We have been married for 9 years in July on my birthday!
For us the ceremony was far more important than the reception. Some of our distant family didn’t get this and moaned about the length of the service.
A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime is my motto.
Husband has conducted his first two weddings, and announced after the last one that he much prefers funeral ministry! So couples…some advice from me:
Don’t get into debt
Don’t worry about it all going tits up
Be nice to your priest!
One thing is for sure the Unseen Guest at your meal wont care if you serve Moet or Lambrini…
When I married we did it budget style. It really made it special, because it was different & therefore things stick in your memory. I even helped with the design of my (then) wife’s wedding dress (the sleeves!).
Local people in the village she grew up in all mucked in with decorating the church and hall for the reception; a local dentist made the cake & you’ve never seen such cake decoration (I wish she was my dentist!); old friends from the band we met through played in the service and then palyed jazz in the background at the reception.
I arrived in true youth officer style in a white Ford Transit Minibus! The man who drove the private taxi we hired (rather than an expensive Roller) even came in and helped with the clearing up while we were opening cards and presents at a house in the village!
We were free of all the stress of a “posh” do and the waste of money that goes with it. Instead, we have some great memories of a very personal day with all our closest friends and family around us.
Next time, I want something even more low key and special and certainly not at any great expense!