saying sorry (ii)
The other day someone for whom I've been spongeing up quite a lot of personal stuff recently looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'm sorry". In truth, by the time he said it there wasn't anything specific to say sorry for, and what there was had long since been forgiven anyway. But those two words just put everything back on track, mostly because they were said in vulnerability and meant sincerely. A good friendship was not merely restored, it ended up stronger than it was before.
The following day another person, who had been outstandingly (and untruthfully) offensive about me, in public, was told by a third party that they didn't like the way she treated me. Her response was to say to me something along the lines of, "I'm sorry that you felt offended, but you really didn't need to (subtext: the problem isn't that I am rude and untruthful, but that you are too thin-skinned) "I really don't know how you can have put that interpretation on what was said! (subtext: I'll show I did nothing wrong by putting the blame for what i did right back on you.)"
People who do that kind of pathetic non-apology may be aiming to look cool and together at the expense of others. My suspicion is that they'll end up with precious few real friends.
It seems to take real guts to say "I'm sorry". For some reason they are words that many people choke on. But they're like putting a no-risk investment into friendship.
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Maggi has kept a blog since September 2003, writing about theology and faith, the arts and literature, and a little about life and random nonsense...
In an increasingly secularised society few people have a good working knowledge of the Bible. Yet a great deal of our culture is built on stories or ideas that come from the Bible. Literature, art, music, language and even the fabric of our society - such as our justice system - are built on Christian concepts and biblical references. The Writing on the Wall provides a fascinating introduction to the Bible's best-known, and most influential, stories. Each chapter gives some background to the text of the Bible, and shows how the stories have become enmeshed in Western culture. Adam and Eve, the ten plagues of Egypt, The Prodigal Son and Mary Magdalene all feature - along with how the Bible has influenced everyone from Shakespeare to Monty Python, and Caravaggio to Banksy. 
Giving It Up explores the Lenten idea of 'giving up', taking it beyond the traditional idea of simply abstaining from something, and suggesting instead that what we need to give up is our existing ideas about God. With a daily readings for each day of Lent, from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday, it follows the heroes of the Bible who had to give up their own too-small ideas about God.
This is Maggi’s bestselling book of daily readings for each day of Advent, Christmas and Epiphany. Advent is the beginning of the Church year, and marks the anticipation of the coming Messiah. These readings explore how beginnings and endings in our own lives are illuminated by the different Gospel narratives of Christ's coming.
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Excellent post and one I could relate to regarding choices and decisions. I also have a son with ASD but school is a happier experience for him now that he has started at a Secondary. This is because the school has a Learning Support Unit with staff who understand ASD. A friend with an ASD daughter has just opted for the Home schooling route (google Education Otherwise) and that is working well as her school was not ASD aware or sympathetic. So sympathy, empathy and prayers for you both!
Thanks for that. It echoes rather strongly something one of your fellow College chaplains said to me recently as I face life-changing decisions of my own: “Do what you want to do because the alternative is grim”.
That post really speaks to me! Why have we so often been taught, and we have taught, that the religious life is about “ought”? Maybe because too often religion is used for control, rather than liberation. Reminds me of Blake in “The Garden of Love”:
And Priest in black gowns, were walking their rounds,
And binding with briars, my joys & desires.
Thank you, that last piece of advice has answered a question for me!
I dunno, Maggi… like any good advice, the wisdom of your last para can have snares of its own.
I talk of being “tentatively assertive” – that is, get on with it but in a way that gives you the space and opportunity to hear warning or encouraging bells.
and have loads of good friends around who’ll celebrate the ‘right’ decision and pick you up from a ??able action
Caroline – the “opportunity to hear warning or encouraging bells” – isn’t that part of the consolation/desolation discernment? the listen with each step you take approach… ?